Musings of An ADHD Mind

On beating a dead horse

2011-05-02T09:18:00.001-07:00

Eww, does it still ejaculate?

Klondike Exxtreme!

2011-04-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

whistling across the street from a blind person/hit by car
toss a baby into the fountain

Theory on Life

2011-04-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

Important concepts to grasp:
abstraction
geological time
evolution

What does it mean to be human?

2011-03-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

So I've been working at this place for a couple months, and let's be honest: waiting tables is a hustle. So I try to connect the best I can with my tables. Like if I'm working an Italian family, they're suddenly my paisans, I've got the hand gestures going, and everything's "molto eccellente!!"

But one time I was thrown a curveball. This woman came in wearing sunglasses and asked me if we had any menus in Braille. I didn't know what to do, so I started signing.

The best part is she actually said, "I'm not deaf, I'm blind, you idiot." How did she do that?? Blind people have crazy senses. It makes sense though; cut off one sense, the others are supercharged. That's why I'd be afraid to get into a fight with a blind person. Seriously, you ever notice in all these martial arts films, the final scene of training involves some kind of blind test? You know, snag the rock, attack the dummy, escape from a colony of bees. I don't know. Point is, the blind arts are the top echelon of kicking ass.

I've got a theory that blind people actually have access to the Matrix. So behind those sunglasses, they can jump into bullet time, their walking sticks turn into a deadly weapon, and their seeing eye dogs set up a keyboard and starts jamming some techno music.

You ever been on public transportation and seen those seeing eye dogs in training? They wear these big, hideous orange vests that warn you, "Please don't pet me, I'm in training." If the dog had its way, it'd say, "Please take this fucking thing off of me."

I've never understood the fascination with dressing up pets. Sweater for your dog? Fur on fur, nicely played, I'm sure the dog loves that. I guess the next trend is cows wearing leather pants.

Speaking of cows in leather, my two favorite fetishes are acronyms: BBW and BDSM. Apparently I'm the only pervert in the room/The perverts in the room just revealed themselves by laughing at that. BBW, Big Black Women. BDSM, Bondage Dominance Sadomasochism. Whips, chains, etc. Basically, my ideal woman would be if Halle Berry let herself go after the first Catwoman.

I wish I was a superhero. My superpower? I'd be able to telekineticly tickle anuses. I'd be the ultimate sidekick. Battle up against Superman? Trying to pick up a bus...oooh, dropped that on his foot. Trying to fly off...make him do little flips in the air. Like a flea circus. My ultimate nemesis would none other than Robin. He'd turn to me and demand, "More please!"

So if it wasn't already apparent, I have really bad ADHD. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity...

So I was taking a shit the other day, and I don't know how many of you do this, but I brought my laptop with me.

Photoshop entries: Regrettable Bumper Stickers

2008-02-14T10:52:00.000-08:00

Photoshop entries: Inappropriate Children's Books

2008-02-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

2008-01-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

I'd like to name my first-born child Jewish just so the following conversation can take place.

"Hey, what's your name?"
"I'm Jewish."
"Uhh, that's cool, I'm Christian."
"No, I mean my name is Jewish."
"Yeah, and my name's Christian."
"....I hate my dad."

2008-01-24T06:07:00.000-08:00

I wish the German word kampf doubled as a time indicator so when asked what time it is, I can reply with "Nine kampf!"

Upon being told I'm always two steps ahead of everyone else when I went off on a random tangent, I quipped, "Yes, but the edge of the cliff is only one step away."

The next time a girl I'm with tells me she's cumming, I'll get down and put my face in her vag, telling her, "Yeah, cum on my face, make me the dirty little whore I am!"

Would you rather be with an average girl who's dead sexy, or a gorgeous girl who's a total fish? The correct answer is an average girl who's dead sexy, if only because you can't scale fish.

I can't stop saying "Buca di Beppo" with a Mario accent.