Musings of An ADHD Mind

So I've been working at this place for a couple months, and let's be honest: waiting tables is a hustle. So I try to connect the best I can with my tables. Like if I'm working an Italian family, they're suddenly my paisans, I've got the hand gestures going, and everything's "molto eccellente!!"

But one time I was thrown a curveball. This woman came in wearing sunglasses and asked me if we had any menus in Braille. I didn't know what to do, so I started signing.

The best part is she actually said, "I'm not deaf, I'm blind, you idiot." How did she do that?? Blind people have crazy senses. It makes sense though; cut off one sense, the others are supercharged. That's why I'd be afraid to get into a fight with a blind person. Seriously, you ever notice in all these martial arts films, the final scene of training involves some kind of blind test? You know, snag the rock, attack the dummy, escape from a colony of bees. I don't know. Point is, the blind arts are the top echelon of kicking ass.

I've got a theory that blind people actually have access to the Matrix. So behind those sunglasses, they can jump into bullet time, their walking sticks turn into a deadly weapon, and their seeing eye dogs set up a keyboard and starts jamming some techno music.

You ever been on public transportation and seen those seeing eye dogs in training? They wear these big, hideous orange vests that warn you, "Please don't pet me, I'm in training." If the dog had its way, it'd say, "Please take this fucking thing off of me."

I've never understood the fascination with dressing up pets. Sweater for your dog? Fur on fur, nicely played, I'm sure the dog loves that. I guess the next trend is cows wearing leather pants.

Speaking of cows in leather, my two favorite fetishes are acronyms: BBW and BDSM. Apparently I'm the only pervert in the room/The perverts in the room just revealed themselves by laughing at that. BBW, Big Black Women. BDSM, Bondage Dominance Sadomasochism. Whips, chains, etc. Basically, my ideal woman would be if Halle Berry let herself go after the first Catwoman.

I wish I was a superhero. My superpower? I'd be able to telekineticly tickle anuses. I'd be the ultimate sidekick. Battle up against Superman? Trying to pick up a bus...oooh, dropped that on his foot. Trying to fly off...make him do little flips in the air. Like a flea circus. My ultimate nemesis would none other than Robin. He'd turn to me and demand, "More please!"

So if it wasn't already apparent, I have really bad ADHD. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity...

So I was taking a shit the other day, and I don't know how many of you do this, but I brought my laptop with me.